Bertie's Shed

When I told my Dad I'd be taking him to Albert's Shed for his Father's day treat, he responded with a long drawn out breath, followed by a loud guffaw, followed by something that sounded like a snort, followed by a sentence that roughly went as follows, "Who the fuck eats in a shed?"  Except, of course, there was no expletive.  That, dear readers, is my own, small embellishment.  Incidentally, never trust a writer who directly addresses his readers.

So Bertie's Shed is a lot more than a shed.  It's part of the Duke's 92 establishment and will, as chance happenstances, provide the food for my forthcoming wedding.  Impress it must, then, for I will not eat shit at such an important event; not in front of the world's press anyway.

Did it impress?  Did it manage to tickle my taste buds into a frightful frenzy?  Nope.

Akbars: The Ghee Monster Stampedes Through the Kitchen and Dumps its Load into Every Meal

Short follow up to Friday's post:

I was born into a world of ghee.  Ghee!  If somebody told the chefs at Akbars they were not allowed to use ghee, they'd probably kill themselves.  Jesus Christ!  There's a lot of ghee in an Akbars' meal; my balti was swimming in it; if a small child were to fall in, t'would never be seen again.  I placed my knife in, to ascertain some kind of depth, and it completely disappeared, consumed by the grease, destined to roam the murky underworld for eternity, seeking the princess who could set him free (where have I gone with this?)  The Naan bread was a victim too; covered, head to toe, in ghee; dripping in it. 
All this ghee makes a young boy sick.  I spent the night, head over toilet; I spent the next day degreasing toilet.  Nothing to do with the whiskey of course.  Oh no sir!  All to do with ghee; the vast quantities of ghee; the disgusting, repulsive ghee.

But it's Really Cheap and the Food is Alright

Time and again I go to Akbar's and walk away pissed off.  Thus, it is with some trepidation that I return this evening, unable to convince my other half (I refrain, on this occasion, from calling her my better half) it would be better to go someplace else where they don't treat you like cattle at feeding hour.
"But it's really cheap and the food is alright," she insists.
"But they treat you like shit!"
"But it's really cheap and the food is alright," she repeats.
"But they only care about your money; quick in; quick out; food dumped on table!"
"But it's really cheap and the food is alright."
Heads banging against brick walls.
The trouble is, as I write this, I know I will have to go.  I know I will have to hold one of those ridiculous beeper things in my pocket before it finally vibrates and I walk, like an idiot, up the ramp to my table.  And then I suffer, like a pleb, the discourteous waiters.  And then I agree, like a dick wad (80s revival moment), to purchase naan bread that could feed 5,000.
And it's so loud; and it's so dark; and it's full of people having birthday parties; and every one of them thinks it necessary to sing that dreadful Hill sister's song.
And all the time, whilst I experience these thoughts of hatred, I hear the sensible voice of my better half explaining, "but it's really cheap and the food is alright."
On Monday I shall write about my experience.  You'll be able to read about it.  Rest assured, I will be taking very detailed notes.  Be warned Akbar's!  I'm coming.  You better be on your best behaviour.

Ooh, I've just remembered its name: Saahil



Banana Slop

At the weekend, I made the grand error of travelling to Southport to eat my tea.  Southport is a bit of a stinker.  It reminds me of Trafford Park; it lacks grace and elegance; it's full of coffin dodgers; and it lacks a decent restaurant.  It does have an extraordinarily long pier but who cares?  I suppose if it were shorter, Southport would have a higher suicide rate.

Altrincham (or would it be too much trouble if we could go to a remote Scottish island instead?)

Not a sound to be heard; not a soul to be seen; there's only one place; Altrincham

No decent meal to be had; no hearty drink to be found; there's only one place: Altrincham

Not a joke to be told; no tale to be wove; there's only one place: Altrincham

Altrincham: The dullest place on Earth. As a sage once said to me, "there is more life on a remote Scottish island than there is life in Altrincham."  It's a place where cockroaches are so bored it actually kills them.  Not even a nuclear missile can achieve that.  Yet, it comes to my attention, like perpetual bad tides, like clouds of locusts, like plagues of rats, that people, if we must call them anything, love Altrincham.  There is no manner in which one can begin to calculate the workings of their stupidity. 

Alternative Realities are More Interesting

Jam Street cafe is in Whalley Range; some people, having no desire to be associated with said place, claim it's in Chorlton.  "On no, I couldn't possibly go to a cafe in Whalley Range; imagine the muck on my shoulders and the stench t'would contaminate my body!"  Yet, Chorlton, in full, is called Chorlton-Cum-Hardy.  Cum?  My Fiance has the same attitude.  We don't live in Chorlton-Cum-hardy; we live in Chorlton Green; we live in a place of trees and ponds and grass and skipping children and kite flyers and quaint pubs and clock towers.  Anyway, I do believe we were talking about Jam Street Cafe.

The Place Leaves My Stomach in Knotts

It's Wednesday; I'm watching Channel 4; a programme called Superscrimpers.  Advice: want to book a cheap restaurant?  Check out toptable.com.  Great!  A site full of restaurant deals.   A bit of searching and I find something I like:  The Place Restaurant on Ducie Street.  To the Place we would go.  Days are spent in preparation:  I get my hair styled; I get my legs waxed and eyebrows plucked; I have scent enhancement treatment; my tongue is kept free of contaminants; I buy a suit; I buy some brogues; I invest in a taxi so I can arrive in style.  Disaster strikes; The taxi fails to turn up; a sign that events are turning bad.