Wednesday, 8 June 2011

The Rapture: How to Guarantee You'll Be Left Behind.

Jesus with children, early 1900s Bible illustr...
Idiots are gearing up for the rapture, this weekend, certain they'll be travelling to heaven in a beautiful pea green boat.  The sinners, 6.9 billion of us, will stay behind and witness the greatest show on earth.  Earthquakes, famine, war and plagues will ravage the earth for five months before our beloved planet goes "pop" in October.

Presumably, living on a shaking planet for five months will be as enjoyable as sitting on a fridge.  Imagine that!  Half a year of hands free arousal.  Now that's what I call a crisis.  It'll bring a whole new meaning to the word flood.  And it comes free of charge.  That's one hell of a send off.  Thank you God.  You big, fat joker!
Who gets to stay behind?  I, for one:  I masturbate all the time; I have sex outside of marriage; I fancy men; I am not pro-life; I have been wounded in the stones and had my privy member cut off; I eat pork and other abominations; I wouldn't let a passing stranger know my wife; I wouldn't sacrifice my son for a fictional character (except maybe tin tin); I covet thy neighbour's ass all the time; I fly off the handle; I argue; I'm arrogant and am prone to hubris; I would rather spend an eternity in hell than two minutes in the company of a contentious woman; I'm a busybody; I will accept a bribe; I drink; I believe in evolution; I like the French; the list is endless.
None of this makes any difference.  Jesus died so we could sin without worrying about our actions.  I can stick my finger up my bum, right now, and it would not matter a hoot.  Thank you Jesus.  Thank you.
To see how you can guarantee you'll be left behind, take a glance at this sin list:

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